(1) Prostitution: Anyone that offers, performs, or agrees to perform, an act of sexual penetration, touching or fondling of the sex organs of another person, to induce sexual arousal, for any money, property, token, object, or anything of value.
Comment: Notice that the prostitute doesn’t have to perform the act. They only have to offer or agree to do the “nasty” for money to be guilty. The part about “sexual arousal” is there to distinguish from, say, doctors that might touch the sex organs for money. Of course with the high cost of health insurance even without the doctor touching sex organs it feels like anal sexual penetration.
(2) Solicitation of a sexual act: Anyone that offers a person any money, property, token, object, or anything of value for sexual services as noted above. Yes, it specifically excludes spouses.
Comment: This isn’t just about looking for prostitutes. This is anyone you try to get sex from, except your spouse. This can be your date, someone you just met, etc. So, Mr. Smooth, don’t try to seduce your date with lines like, “Come on, baby! What about that lobster dinner I just bought you?”
(3) Soliciting for a Prostitute: Soliciting someone for prostitution, arranging or offering to arrange a meeting with a prostitute, or directing someone to a place knowing that its purpose is prostitution.
Comment: So when our military want to find someone to “support the troops” with more than a bumper sticker, it doesn’t matter how patriotic you feel. Tell them that the only red line you know is on the “El”.
(4) Pandering: Any person that, for any money, property, token, object, or anything of value, compels a person to become a prostitute or arranges for a person to practice prostitution.
Comment: It’s ironic that this, the worst of the prostitution crimes, has such a cute name. “Pandering”. It almost sounds like a social game. “Hey, Don, what were you doing?” “Oh, just pandering with my posse.” Pandering is, in reality, the worst of the prostitution world. Think of a woman that owes money and is forced to sell her body to repay it. Or where women are beaten or enslaved and forced into prostitution.
(5) Keeping a place of prostitution: Where someone keeps a place of seclusion or shelter that they either knowingly, or had reason to believe, was being used for prostitution – or permitted continued use of the place after they knew that it was used for prostitution.
Comment: If pandering is the worst, this has to be the most benign. The law doesn’t even say that the property owner has received anything of value from the prostitute. I mean, how do you prove a negative? How do you prove that you didn’t know or were too stupid to know prostitution was happening? I mean, not all hookers look like Elmer Fudd in drag. Even the pimp gets better treatment.
(6) Patronizing a Prostitute: No, this doesn’t mean telling her (or him) you really do think they’re pretty. This is the demand side of prostitution and occurs when one engages in sexual penetration or, enters or hangs out in a place of prostitution with the intent to engage in sexual penetration.
Comment: Notice that this law doesn’t include the other forms of sexual gratification. Here’s where the doer gets more punishment than the doee. And if you’re hanging out in the local massage parlor when its busted, grab a broom, start sweeping and say something in Spanish or Polish. (Yes, I know there are also Caucasian office cleaners but it wouldn’t have been as funny.)
(7) Pimping: If you get money from a prostitute for no legitimate reason, knowing the money was from prostitution.
Comment: How many pimps does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.
Comment: Notice that the prostitute doesn’t have to perform the act. They only have to offer or agree to do the “nasty” for money to be guilty. The part about “sexual arousal” is there to distinguish from, say, doctors that might touch the sex organs for money. Of course with the high cost of health insurance even without the doctor touching sex organs it feels like anal sexual penetration.
(2) Solicitation of a sexual act: Anyone that offers a person any money, property, token, object, or anything of value for sexual services as noted above. Yes, it specifically excludes spouses.
Comment: This isn’t just about looking for prostitutes. This is anyone you try to get sex from, except your spouse. This can be your date, someone you just met, etc. So, Mr. Smooth, don’t try to seduce your date with lines like, “Come on, baby! What about that lobster dinner I just bought you?”
(3) Soliciting for a Prostitute: Soliciting someone for prostitution, arranging or offering to arrange a meeting with a prostitute, or directing someone to a place knowing that its purpose is prostitution.
Comment: So when our military want to find someone to “support the troops” with more than a bumper sticker, it doesn’t matter how patriotic you feel. Tell them that the only red line you know is on the “El”.
(4) Pandering: Any person that, for any money, property, token, object, or anything of value, compels a person to become a prostitute or arranges for a person to practice prostitution.
Comment: It’s ironic that this, the worst of the prostitution crimes, has such a cute name. “Pandering”. It almost sounds like a social game. “Hey, Don, what were you doing?” “Oh, just pandering with my posse.” Pandering is, in reality, the worst of the prostitution world. Think of a woman that owes money and is forced to sell her body to repay it. Or where women are beaten or enslaved and forced into prostitution.
(5) Keeping a place of prostitution: Where someone keeps a place of seclusion or shelter that they either knowingly, or had reason to believe, was being used for prostitution – or permitted continued use of the place after they knew that it was used for prostitution.
Comment: If pandering is the worst, this has to be the most benign. The law doesn’t even say that the property owner has received anything of value from the prostitute. I mean, how do you prove a negative? How do you prove that you didn’t know or were too stupid to know prostitution was happening? I mean, not all hookers look like Elmer Fudd in drag. Even the pimp gets better treatment.
(6) Patronizing a Prostitute: No, this doesn’t mean telling her (or him) you really do think they’re pretty. This is the demand side of prostitution and occurs when one engages in sexual penetration or, enters or hangs out in a place of prostitution with the intent to engage in sexual penetration.
Comment: Notice that this law doesn’t include the other forms of sexual gratification. Here’s where the doer gets more punishment than the doee. And if you’re hanging out in the local massage parlor when its busted, grab a broom, start sweeping and say something in Spanish or Polish. (Yes, I know there are also Caucasian office cleaners but it wouldn’t have been as funny.)
(7) Pimping: If you get money from a prostitute for no legitimate reason, knowing the money was from prostitution.
Comment: How many pimps does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.
