April 2009 questions
Dear Margarete,
I moved in with my boyfriend before Christmas and he’s changed. He doesn’t help out with cleaning or the wash, and he gives me attitude if his stuff hasn’t been washed or if there’s not enough of something in the frig. I can’t believe he’s doing this, and when I try to talk to him he’s always “busy” with more important things, What about me? It’s like he thinks I don’t have other things to do as well? And I’m so angry that he’s so thoughtless about me. We’re a lot less intimate and he’s complaining about that too of course. I feel like I’ve made a total mistake and stupid for being stuck now in this situation. I don’t have my old place to go back to. My friends keep telling me I shouldn’t have moved in, but that’s not helping, it just reminds me of screwing up again with a guy I thought I could count on. I feel like such a fool and failure that I’m totally depressed.
Amy
Dear Amy,
Moving in together, be it as friends or as a couple, is a huge step that requires a lot of conversation about responsibilities, day-to-day tasks, and ‘what if’ scenarios in anticipation of how two people will deal with situations. It can be a real eye-opener for how you guys work as a team, and offers insight into another person on a deeperlevel. It sounds like you both overlooked this important step when deciding to live under the same roof. I’m not sure if what you’re seeing is how much he’s “changed” versus more of the person you are now getting to know. As relationships develop, undergo change, or get stressed for whatever reason, your ability and skills with communicating, problem-solving, and negotiating get challenged. This should be seen as necessary opportunities for growth instead of something dreaded or to be avoided. Otherwise, you can’t grow as a person or partner. That said, if you work on these areas, with our without professional support, and the other party is not equally invested and/or the change needed is too great, then you need to confront that and move on. Relationships end for many reasons. The blame game or feeling guilty accomplishes little. You can’t legislate responsibility-taking or good behavior, so getting caught up in that anger or frustration with someone only hurts you. What you can do is take an honest look at your own behaviors and assumptions, without judging yourself, and see where some change could prove helpful to you. It sounds like you’ve been down this road of disappointment with guys before, so I would encourage you to look at this. It’s not about being “a fool and failure;” it’s about ownership for what is in your control, being open to making efforts to change, and recognizing you deserve good things and rewarding relationships. I suspect there are some self-esteem issues involved here, so this last point may be a most important area for you to work on. If you are really feeling “depressed” in a way that is interfering in your life, as opposed to an expression of frustration, you need to seek some professional help for this and specific, realistic steps to take to remove yourself from this situation. Good luck to you and keep in touch.
Dear Margarete,
I’ve got another financial ruin story for you. Basically, lost my really good tech job, couldn’t afford Cobra, can’t pay off my credit cards, and I’m overdue on my town home payment. I’m job searching but can’t believe how tough it is, even though I’m only 34. I’ve got some savings but I swore I’d never spend that. I can’t admit to anyone how helpless I feel, so I just tell my friends I’m working on things. What in the world do I do now?
Kyle
Dear Kyle,
A few things for starters. First, as helpless as you feel, and that’s understandable, you need to check your interpretations of the situation and recognize where the panic and overwhelm may be interfering with your taking action, thereby making you feel even more helpless. Not to minimize your problem, but “ruin” may be an overstatement. You have a desirable skill set and training, you still have your home, age is on your side, and you have savings. This shift in your perspective can give you some breathing room to be more effective in getting a game plan in place and coping with current economic realities. You can make a list of “to do” items by priority status to help you focus on where to target your time and energy. Not talking to people is really not an option. Again, understandable to react that way, but not effective. You need to contact the mortgage company, credit card companies, your bank, and an accountant if you use one, to look at payment options and possible adjustments. You need information and to demonstrate efforts at working with them on these issues. Tapping into savings, as reluctant as you are, may be a temporary out for you during this serious time. I applaud you for having set aside funds; but I’m confused about the credit card debt. Saving money involves exercising restraint, planning, and budgeting skills. Yet you carry over bills and have to pay interest rates, which are notoriously high and higher than investment or bank interest rates. Whatever you’ve “saved” needs to be looked at in the context of your overall finances. A consultant can assist you with determining best strategy for managing this. As I’ve suggested in previous columns, every expense and outlay no matter how small needs to be looked at. You can be surprised or even shocked by what small everyday items or incidentals add up to over a week or month’s time. Letting trusted friends know what’s going on allows them to help you, offer perspective, and NETWORK in ways that may make all the difference with finding a job. Don’t let pride or fear interfere with this most valuable of all resources. Attend some professional networking groups as well; you will feel connected, more productive, and have opportunities to build interviewing skills, revamp you resume, and access potential employers.
Dear Margarete,
I moved in with my boyfriend before Christmas and he’s changed. He doesn’t help out with cleaning or the wash, and he gives me attitude if his stuff hasn’t been washed or if there’s not enough of something in the frig. I can’t believe he’s doing this, and when I try to talk to him he’s always “busy” with more important things, What about me? It’s like he thinks I don’t have other things to do as well? And I’m so angry that he’s so thoughtless about me. We’re a lot less intimate and he’s complaining about that too of course. I feel like I’ve made a total mistake and stupid for being stuck now in this situation. I don’t have my old place to go back to. My friends keep telling me I shouldn’t have moved in, but that’s not helping, it just reminds me of screwing up again with a guy I thought I could count on. I feel like such a fool and failure that I’m totally depressed.
Amy
Dear Amy,
Moving in together, be it as friends or as a couple, is a huge step that requires a lot of conversation about responsibilities, day-to-day tasks, and ‘what if’ scenarios in anticipation of how two people will deal with situations. It can be a real eye-opener for how you guys work as a team, and offers insight into another person on a deeperlevel. It sounds like you both overlooked this important step when deciding to live under the same roof. I’m not sure if what you’re seeing is how much he’s “changed” versus more of the person you are now getting to know. As relationships develop, undergo change, or get stressed for whatever reason, your ability and skills with communicating, problem-solving, and negotiating get challenged. This should be seen as necessary opportunities for growth instead of something dreaded or to be avoided. Otherwise, you can’t grow as a person or partner. That said, if you work on these areas, with our without professional support, and the other party is not equally invested and/or the change needed is too great, then you need to confront that and move on. Relationships end for many reasons. The blame game or feeling guilty accomplishes little. You can’t legislate responsibility-taking or good behavior, so getting caught up in that anger or frustration with someone only hurts you. What you can do is take an honest look at your own behaviors and assumptions, without judging yourself, and see where some change could prove helpful to you. It sounds like you’ve been down this road of disappointment with guys before, so I would encourage you to look at this. It’s not about being “a fool and failure;” it’s about ownership for what is in your control, being open to making efforts to change, and recognizing you deserve good things and rewarding relationships. I suspect there are some self-esteem issues involved here, so this last point may be a most important area for you to work on. If you are really feeling “depressed” in a way that is interfering in your life, as opposed to an expression of frustration, you need to seek some professional help for this and specific, realistic steps to take to remove yourself from this situation. Good luck to you and keep in touch.
Dear Margarete,
I’ve got another financial ruin story for you. Basically, lost my really good tech job, couldn’t afford Cobra, can’t pay off my credit cards, and I’m overdue on my town home payment. I’m job searching but can’t believe how tough it is, even though I’m only 34. I’ve got some savings but I swore I’d never spend that. I can’t admit to anyone how helpless I feel, so I just tell my friends I’m working on things. What in the world do I do now?
Kyle
Dear Kyle,
A few things for starters. First, as helpless as you feel, and that’s understandable, you need to check your interpretations of the situation and recognize where the panic and overwhelm may be interfering with your taking action, thereby making you feel even more helpless. Not to minimize your problem, but “ruin” may be an overstatement. You have a desirable skill set and training, you still have your home, age is on your side, and you have savings. This shift in your perspective can give you some breathing room to be more effective in getting a game plan in place and coping with current economic realities. You can make a list of “to do” items by priority status to help you focus on where to target your time and energy. Not talking to people is really not an option. Again, understandable to react that way, but not effective. You need to contact the mortgage company, credit card companies, your bank, and an accountant if you use one, to look at payment options and possible adjustments. You need information and to demonstrate efforts at working with them on these issues. Tapping into savings, as reluctant as you are, may be a temporary out for you during this serious time. I applaud you for having set aside funds; but I’m confused about the credit card debt. Saving money involves exercising restraint, planning, and budgeting skills. Yet you carry over bills and have to pay interest rates, which are notoriously high and higher than investment or bank interest rates. Whatever you’ve “saved” needs to be looked at in the context of your overall finances. A consultant can assist you with determining best strategy for managing this. As I’ve suggested in previous columns, every expense and outlay no matter how small needs to be looked at. You can be surprised or even shocked by what small everyday items or incidentals add up to over a week or month’s time. Letting trusted friends know what’s going on allows them to help you, offer perspective, and NETWORK in ways that may make all the difference with finding a job. Don’t let pride or fear interfere with this most valuable of all resources. Attend some professional networking groups as well; you will feel connected, more productive, and have opportunities to build interviewing skills, revamp you resume, and access potential employers.
