There is a place I go to in my mind, my happy place, when I need to relax. It’s a beautiful tropical beach where the sand is sugar and the ocean is soda pop. The palm trees are made of chocolate. The jellyfish are grape jelly and the fish are also fine chocolate on the outside and peanut butter inside and will jump into your hand when you call them. Everything is free to take and enjoy. You can feel totally at peace with the universe, stretch out, and express your innermost thoughts and feelings. It’s a timeless dream come true (and all non-fattening). I call it Chocolate Beach. Let’s go there now. We’re sitting comfortably on beach chairs with multi-colored umbrellas, the brilliant sun is smiling down and there’s a soft, warm breeze on our faces. The gentle waves are lapping the shore and cotton-candy clouds dot the horizon. What a wonderful day to just sit around and do nothing. Further down the beach, some people are playing Frisbee with their dog. They look so happy (and won’t eat the dog, he’s real).

After a short time some new people come by and take the space next to us, and there’s one guy with them who keeps coughing and coughing. I wonder what’s wrong with him; did something go down the wrong pipe? I don’t know but I really wish he would stop. It ceases for a spell and we go back to enjoying the beach, nibbling on the chocolate palms, very calm and relaxed, and then this guy starts hacking up a lung all over again. To make things worse, the dog poops where I can see it and nobody cleans it up. What the hell is going on here? Maybe I should ask Coughing Guy to leave or get some help. But I don’t like conflict. I am trying to be patient, however it’s getting on my nerves. I try turning on the radio and can only get boring talk shows. Of course the guy starts coughing even louder and now sounds like he’s dying. Then Frisbee Dog starts barking at the seagulls and won’t shut up. I glare in his direction but it doesn’t help. I’d like to scream at them all to leave but it’s obvious that they’re not planning on going anytime soon. Then to top it all off some jerk in a dune buggy starts revving his engine but not going anywhere, just revving his stupid engine on his stupid dune buggy.

Sorry, but I have to go. This is no fun anymore.

Goodbye Chocolate Beach, I’ll come back another time. You can stay if you want to my friend, but dammit, I’ve had enough of my happy place.